It's missing everybody hour! I can't sleep because I keep picturing memories with people I don't know anymore, along with memories that I've created in my own head to place on the growing pile of ash that's left of them. I actually haven't really been able to sleep lately, even though I feel tired. I keep listening to music that reminds me of the past and looking at old photos of me and of old friends. It's not as though I want to go back to those moments. I just can't stop thinking about them. Sometimes I feel regret, but mostly my mind is just stuck on these random memories. I feel like I am a victim of my own dreams and reminiscence. Every night I try to imagine the same scenarios before I go to sleep, but my mind keeps pulling me back to pools of retrospect for me to explore over and over. I don't know how I'm meant to fall asleep because when I'm left in the sensory deprivation of night, I find myself in the same places I always manage to find my way back to. My hair's grown longer, I've read more books, I have more friends, I've tried more foods, I've watched more movies and listened to more music, I've found new things to write about, and I've visited new places, but I've stayed the same. It seems as though you are continuing to grow older, while I remain 15 forever. At least that's what I think, since I haven't spoken to you since September.
I have become one of those people who cannot sleep. This has never been an issue for me, but for every single night that I can remember during this month, I have not been able to sleep as quickly as I used to at night. I can sleep just fine in the afternoon, but there is something about the night that resurfaces every little thing I am irritated about or trying to repress. It is curently 1AM. Yesterday I caught up with a friend I haven't spoken to properly in a while. It made me happy to talk to her again. We never had any issues, we just sort of drifted apart. We were talking about how we both have never had a job and wouldn't know what to put on our resumes if we were to get one. I also explained how I am wary about moving from home so soon after graduation because I lack some necessary life skills. We talked about how maybe we could try to get a part time job together after high school. That was reassuring because I always feel so incompetent when my other friends are talking about their jobs, but I don't need the money and I am too invested in my studies. It is always nice to know you are not the only one. Unless you have an individuality complex.
I have been so anxious lately and it's unbearable! I lose focus on everything that is going on around me because there are these little nagging flies that will not stop pestering me. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm worried about and I just have a sense of looming threat or dread for no apparent reason. It's as if I am out to get my own self. I can't stop ruminating on possible worst case scenarios and dragging everything out of proprtion in my head. Also I have been so obsessive about my body image as of late and I keep spending so much time looking in the mirror and picking apart how my body looks. It's such a chore, but I always feel as though I have to do it. Other than that, I had a great day. I went for a bike ride to the beach and bought this weird-tasting berry smoothie on the way back. I had a nap while watching a Will Ferrell movie after eating meatballs for lunch, did some painting, read a book, worked on the short story I am currently writing and then had Thai food for dinner. Speaking of the story, It is almost ready for editing and I may upload it onto my site by the end of this week or the beginning of next week. I am pretty pleased with how the year is going so far because I got a planner and I feel so much more in control than how I did last year. I hold the sand timer now! That was a reference to a really poorly written story I wrote in 2023 that I never showed anyone. I don't think I even mentioned it to anyone. Probably for the best, it's not my favourite.
I think my spell of worry has finally passed for now. I have done so much exercise this week that I haven't been too hyper-aware about eating. I went on so many bike rides and a couple days ago I went for a swim. I was staying in a different town from where I live to babysit my sister and I rode her dad's bike, so sadly I can't go on bike rides now that I'm back home, since I don't have my own bike. HOWEVER, my stepdad (my sister's dad) told me that he would buy me a bike for my birthday so that I could use it at home as well! That would be the best present ever! Before this week I hadn't ridden a bike in years and now I've gotten the hang of it again. I watched The Sopranos with my dad today and I love the show, but I only really started watching it so I could talk about it with my dad. I love talking about shows and movies with my dad. He's the best.
I feel paranoid again! I keep imagining the worst case scenarios and always feel as though something negative is about to happen. I have never been a big nail biter, but two of my nails broke today and I didn't notice I wasn't biting them that much. I am not stressed about my school work yet, as it's only the start of the new school year, but something about being at school is making me feel really on edge. Sometimes I feel as though there is something I should be anxious about, but I haven't figured it out yet. Even writing this is making me paranoid that I will manifest something horrible just by putting it into words! I used to get stuck in really annoying habits when I was younger, like obsessively checking the locks or re-reading something I wrote over and over. Sometimes I can feel myself doing that again and I hate it. Anyways, I made a couple of new friends at school, which is always nice. I love my classes so far, especially maths extension and physics.
I AM GOING INSANE!!! I'm sorry that I kept talking to you because if I never did then you wouldn't have to deal with me. I don't feel like I should even be allowed to speak to you and I don't understand why you would want to keep being around me. What do you even like about me? Sometimes I feel like such an idiot because I can't seem to express myself properly and I'm scared I seem like such a boring person. WHY DOES ANYONE TALK TO ME?? I wish you would just scream and insult me until I cry so that I would be certain you didn't want to be around me and I didn't have urges to burn bridges because I have an irrational fear (maybe it is rational and I'm telling myself it's irrational to make myself feel better) that you are trying to hint that you want me to leave you alone. I am thinking of a quote from Pride and Prejudice- "I cannot fix on the hour, the spot, or the look, or the words which lay the foundation. It was too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew I had begun".
Once my exams are over, I am going to watch so many movies! I haven't really had any time to update my website, but I'll make sure to be very active once I'm free. I have been so happy ever since I knew you! My shoes are scuffed and I think I've ran out of envelopes. I'm really unsure of what to write. Maths might be my favourite thing at the moment. It's just so logical and its perfection is so beautiful that sometimes working really hard on a maths problem and then finding the solution makes me emotional. Sometimes I wish that all my school periods could just be taken up by maths for the entire day (and maybe a little history). I have a physics group project due tomorrow. I think that's all.
I am so happy! I just feel so good that I have to write about it on here and shout it as loud as I can, so everyone can hear it! I am not worried or stressed and I am excited for the future! I watched Shallow Grave and I am obsessed with Ewan Mcgregor in it. I love talking to my dad so much. He's so funny and we are so similar. Once I'm not so busy with school, we are going to watch the Sopranos together. He bought a few steaks that he's going to cook for me. I am going to finish Notes on Nationalism tonight and begin Crime and Punishment tomorrow. My best friend is lending me her copy of Girl Interrupted so I can read it before we watch the film together. I've actually never seen the movie before. I can't believe I actually think I'm finally over it! Everything seems so much lighter now that I'm not so anxious. I have a few exams this week, but I'm not too stressed. I'll just try my best :)